Beyond Happiness: The Life-Saving Truth about Children
Sanctity of Life week. Why is it so important that we don’t “sell” children as instruments for our happiness and fulfillment? Please read on.
I recently returned from a speaking tour, where I met with many parents, mostly mothers. Of all the conversations I got to be part of, one in particular I cannot forget. I had just spoken on the value of children, noting that we often “sell” the value of children to our culture at large by promising buckets of fun and happiness and fulfillment for the parents. This is often our apologia and defensive shot in the Mommy Wars. (“I’m fulfilled as a mother, therefore mothering is of great value !” vs. “I’m NOT fulfilled as a mother, therefore it’s of little value!”) It’s not that there isn’t happiness and fulfillment to be had. I do experience amazing moments with my daughter and five sons (ages 21 – 7), events and funny sayings and sweet cuddle times that I want to bottle or can or stick in the freezer, tender moments to feast on later, when my plate is bare and I hunger for sustenance. But there are LOTS of problems with this approach, of course. Here is one, in the words of a woman who approached me after one of my presentations.
Her child had been born with a significant birth defect, she told me. While pregnant, the doctors painted the worst possible scenario and encouraged her to abort. She refused, and months later welcomed a daughter into her family, a daughter whose health and abilities have far exceeded the doctor’s warnings. Many friends, however, have chosen otherwise, she said.
“When they find out that their in utero child has Downs or Spina Bifida or some other problem, they end the pregnancy, using pious language like, ‘I’m returning this little blessing to God.’ But what they really mean is, they don’t want to be troubled. They think having children should be about happiness, not sacrifice.”
When we lose sight of God’s greater purposes for children---and for parents---clearly, the consequences are serious. A number of studies have revealed that parents are more depressed than non-parents. Child abuse and  neglect is at pandemic levels, to start the list.
And abortion is still obscenely common. Most distressing, is how many women of faith are ending the lives of their child. The Guttmacher Institute reports that each year, of the nearly 1.5 million women who obtain abortions , the majority are women who claim some measure of faith. Eight out of ten women who will end the life of their child self-identify as Catholic, Protestant or “born-again.”
What can we do about this? Here’s one thing we can start doing right now: begin speaking the truth to young people and couples contemplating marriage and family, and those in the midst of that work now. We need to help deconstruct the scales of happiness and stop holding out empty promises, that we stop quoting the only verse in the Bible that equates children with happiness (“Children are a blessing and a reward .. . . happy is the man whose quiver is full of them,” Ps. 127) . That we replace all this with fuller truths: that God does not bring a child into the world to feed our pride, to swell our dreams of success, to be channels for our own joy. He brings every child into the world because he loves life, he is the creator of all life, and each child comes to fulfill His plans and purposes (not mine!). And His plans will be accomplished, despite our own sins and failures as a parent, and despite the sins and failures of our children.
This is such great good news, for all of us!! When we really grasp this, we can release ourselves us from the tyranny of the scales of happiness. 
( Good Day: “Oh, my kids are so smart and loving and kind!! Parenting is SOOOO worth it!! Bad Day: “A failing grade, broken curfews, messy rooms, disrespect---ARRGGGHHH! Parenting is SOOO not worth it!!) We don’t have to measure the worth of the whole parenting enterprise, the worth of our own parenting, even the worth of our children by our mercurial levels of fulfillment. We’re released from weighing the benefits against the costs. The questions, “Am I happy and fulfilled as a parent?” and “Is parenting really worth it?” are, finally, irrelevant!
 There’s good news here for our children as well.
Our children are released a from these unforgiving scales, too, and a weight they were never meant to bear: our hunger for happiness and fulfillment through them. In place of the scale comes an immeasurable deep-down joy, the kind that comes from knowing we are part of something immense, exciting and eternal: the shaping of lives for the holy purposes of God. This is the feast I can pull out when I’m hungry and my plate is bare. I know I will be filled again and again.
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